Lucas Jokes

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Lucas Jokes.  Making Absolutely No Sense Since 1948

Some jokes I can't tell on LinkedIn.  Meet me behind the alley at Roadapples and Brush Streets across from the Delvelishoush Funeral Home.  I'll let you peek at my hearing aid and you can listen in the dark, while I slide your debit card through the crack in my ass.  It's unethical to kill  a customer before you slide him through the wallet.  Do you know where your crack is?  2/13/2019

When I was a kid, the word gift was a noun.  I didn't get any.  Now it's a verb.  They run away from me.  My gifts run so fast the FedEx Man has a doppler effect.  2/27/2019

I called a GEICO agent and said, Do you insure funny people?   He said, Funny people?  I said, I just got punched in the elbow.  My funny bone laughed.   He didn't think it was funny.  He said, What's the joke?  I said, I don't know but  I can't tell it straight.  I had to put my arm in a sling.  My elbow wouldn't stop laughing.   The pain was unbearable.  Finally, I went to my dominatrix.   I said, Domme, I have a pain in my elbow.  It won't stop laughing.  She said I had to do stand-up.  Tell six jokes and die on stage.  Whassa matter?  My GEICO agent is in the audience.  She's the dominatrix!  2/16/2019

I called my agent.  She said, We just got back from a funeral.  I said, I know.  I'm the replacement!  2/16/2019

I had a 2 o'clock appointment with a talent agent yesterday.  She stood me up.  When I called her Thursday, she said she just got back from a funeral.  I guess her last client rose from the dead. cyberbardink.com  2/20/2019

I have to make up some jokes today, and then I have to memorize them, and then have to pray.  I stand on the cliff edge of Pushover. 2/19/2019

My agent said call back Tuesday.  I called.  The number had been disconnected. 2/20/2019

I got a robo-call from my agent, saying I have a lack of spam in my emails.  I told her she has a high dose of sperm in her entrails.  2/20/2019

Today's my anniversary.  I thought, out of respect for my marriage I would remember it.  A moment of silence, please.  2/19/2019

I caught a guy in my apartment complex, Entitlement Estates, stealing service from my cable box.  He showed me a warrant from the Honduran FISA court.  2/27/2019

My wife went to the heart doctor.  Doctor said to her, You're lucky you have one.  Many wives with husbands like yours, don't.  She said, So you know Jim.  He didn't tell me.  He just gave me a pawn ticket and said, Here.  Give this to the doctor.  He's got something you might need. 2/19/2019

My wife took me to her friends' chastity roast.  We ate clits and things. 3/3/2019

What this country needs is a good one-dollar president.  For two dollars you get a president and a vice-president.  Not a congressman though.  A congressman will cost you fifty million.  Not a good one though.  For that you have to pay an arm and a leg.  Of course, that's outrageous.  But that's the cost of government these days.  If you want pure socialism you have to pay both arms and both legs.  No taxation without amputation.  You said the secret word and the regime came down!  No, these are not Groucho jokes.  They're Deep State jokes.  In the Deep State the FISA Court is a conspiracy of kludges. A coup in time saves slime.  The punchline in a FISA joke is silent.  In an FBI wirecrap my ass is unmasked. In the Swamp you can keep your head.  If you're stupid enough to go for this government, we don't need it. 2/17/2019

My senescence has no conscience.  It ages no matter what time it is.  2/13/2019

My Wife's Anniversary I bought an orchid for my wife's anniversary.  Her anniversary came, I forgot it.  Force of habit.  My wife whipped me with her orchid.  I said, Emmaline, Why'd you do that?  She said, Force of habit.  I said, The orchid!  The nursery won't pay the guarantee.  She whipped all the petals off, screaming. You're not a husband!  You're a parasite!  Slowly I picked the petals up and glued them on the orchid stalk with my spit  I said, I'll make it up to you.  She said, Hugs with spit.  That's all you're good for!  Now hug the bull's post.  He's only got time to celebrate our anniversary until a quarter to three. 

2/11/2019

Show business is rough.  Stand-up is not easy.  My first booking was in a mental hospital I took it.  I needed the therapy.  2/15/2019

I told my grandmother I was going to do standup.  She's one hundred and one, doing time in Marquette State Prison.  She wished me luck.  She said, Go!  Meet thy heckler! 2/18/2019

I went to the Philippines and bought a cockatoo, one of the talking birds.  i call him Laglag.  Smart bird, Laglag tells jokes.  They're all in Filipino.  Everybody in my wife's family laughs when Laglag talks, except me.  So I taught Laglag to speak English. I said Laglag speak English.  He said my name is Lucban.   I figured my wife must be teaching him behind my back.  I said, Okay, I'll call you Laglag Lucban.  The bird said, Whoever heard of Stupid Grapefruit?  2/15/2019

My wife is teaching me to throw up on command.  It starts with breakfast.  3/3/2019

I didn't talk till I was twelve years old.  Mom took me to a dominatrix child predator.  She said, Mom, Jim was born to talk dirty.  2/11/2019

I wet to bed until I learned to masturbate. 2/23/2019

My wife woke up this morning.  Blamed me because she was bleeding from the roof of her mouth.  I told her vampires bite on the neck.  2/12/2019

My dominatrix has launched a complete investigation of my sex life based on my steel bustier. 2/12/2019

A man walks into a dungeon.   He comes out a girl.  A sissy walks into a dungeon.  She doesn't come at all.  2/28/2019

For those of you who are new to this culture, the Democrats will be susidizing you.  In diapers.  You little pricks.  2/18/2018

I fell in love with a new dominatrix.  The old one won't whip me any more.  2/14/2019

In Sado-Mosochism under socialism, free flogs for everybody!  Another entitlement Satan is lobbying for.  Just in time too.  I lost my dildo.  2/14/2019

My Chinese Dominatrix

 Miss Joyce at Zhengzhou Rongsheng Kiln Refractory Co., Ltd.., is very selective about whom she sells bricks to.  Why, before she took me on as a client, she wanted to know if I had stamina.  She made me huff and puff like the Big Bad Wolf.  I had to blow down sixteen pallets stacked with Zhengzhou Rongsheng Kiln Refractory Co. bricks.  It was a helluva a blow job, I tell you.  All rights reserved.  2/21/2019

FAGMI (Facebook, Apple, Google, Microsoft, Instagram) are working on a Smart Ass.  It knows when you're full of shit.  Turns jokes into wisecracks with a single fart.  They're planing a Fart Festival in the desert.  Burning Hemorrhoids.  My proctologist, Dr. Fistoluv, wants to take me.  He wants  his watch back.  2/18/2019

My ass is so smart my wife has me on Socratic wisecrack control.  2/19/2019

A kludge in the FBI saves the Deep State from a coup worse than Death.

Time is running out.  I woke up last night with a noose on my neck,  The Sandman put it there. 2/19/ 2019

The State tried to raise me right.  They said I had to go to church.  At first I was scared.  I walked in the doors.  There must have been a thousand kids seated in the sanctuary, all cringing and glued to their seats.  Teeth chattering with the fear of God.  It was like Las Vegas on the Great Lakes.  On stage the preacher was wailing the tar out of a little boy, an orphan just like me.  My social worker said, That's what will happen to you too, if you don't be be good.  I'll be good!  I'll be good! I screamed.  What's the name of this place?  I don't want to go to hell!  My social worker said, The Church of the Good Dominatrix.  That's how I got religion.  2/14/2019

At the Church of the Good Dominatrix they told me if I didn't give a good blow job the Bad Dominatrix would beat me. 2/18/2019 

 At the Church of the Good Dominatrix they have Sunday school for whippersnappers.  Snap your garters, and they whip you.  I tried to run away. I got runs in my stockings.  2/18/2019

The State said I had to work when I went to Church.  They gave me two jobs.  Flujob and Blowjob.  When I became an experienced hand, they gave me Handjob.  The Church of the Good Dominatrix is a full employment church.  Jobs for everybody.  The hardest part is the second coming.  When they passed around the collection plate, I had to spit in it to show I was on the job.  When  I grew older I found out CGD was a cult.  You know, for fetishists.  It wasn't until I took communion that I discovered CGD was a front for sex trafficking.  I soon learned it wasn't the front I had to worry about.  It was my rear end.  They used to read me The Story of Job.  It was pornography! 2/18/2019

I was walking downtown when I came upon a little  old homeless guy crouched on the corner holding a cardboard sign, "Anything Helps."  I said, Can I use your cane?  He gave it to me, and I whacked him across the back.   He fell down in a slump on the sidewalk.  I bent over to listen.  Then I recognized him.  Nojob! I said.  It's been a long time!  How ya been!?  He said, You saved me from a fate worse than death!  I bent lower, ready for Almost Anything.   He thanked me.  He said, A True Job is a beating.  I said, What's that?  He said a job on the FISA Court.  For those of you who don't know it, the punchline in a FISA joke is silence. 2/18/2019

I'm wracked with guilt.  All my life I've been wracked with guilt. When I was 12yo I turned my mother into the State of Michigan for being crazy.  Can you imagine such a thing?  A kid who will betray his own mother?  I mean it wasn't like she was smuggling heroin across the border from Canada.  She just had problems--mental problems.  I mean, I remember when she walked in my bedroom when I was 11yo, naked, jacking off.  I said, Mom, can't you put some clothes on?

The State put me in a foster home.  Two rich Liberals.  Wow, it was like Cinderella.  I was the cinder.  It was a total socio-economic translation to another level.  Now I could jack-off and my mother had clothes on.

When my first foster parents found out I wouldn't participate in a three-way, they kicked me out.  2/23/2019

My sister and Foster Mom fought all the time.  Foster Mom wouldn't teach her how to jack off.  I remember the last time I saw my sister fifty years ago.  We're not a close family.  She called the police.  Said the Bad Dominatrix stole the orange juice out of her refrigerator.  No, but my sister's happy, though, even if she is cuckoo.  She said, she and her partner had sex the night before and she had twenty-nine orgasms.  I asked if she loved her girlfriend.  She said she's better than her brother, Nojob.  Her partner works.  But they can't get married though.  The State of Michigan won't pay for her disability.  She doesn't qualify.  Too many Feeldoes.  2/18/2019

One night I heard Foster Mom in the master bedroom over mine weeping, endlessly weeping tears.  She was an English teacher, a stickler about grammar.  I said, Foster Mom, the bate is not a suffix.  It will come back.  And I masturbated in front of her. 2/14/2019

My fifth foster mother, Appalachia, called me "nigger."  I didn't even wear blackface. I had to wear a black dress, though.  That's when I had to wash the windows.  I didn't want to, mind you, but  she maid me, made me get down on my hands and knees with Chick Pappy, her husband.  Girls, she said, we're going to retake the North!   If I didn't obey, she and Chick Pappy laid into me with with the birch.  One time they forced a baby's pacifier into my mouth, strapped it on until I agreed to spray Windex on the picture window and wipe it clean with Chick Pappy's diaper.  I protested, but then they showed me it was the same pacifier I gave Chick the year before on Chick Pappy's birthday.  Still, it was hard to persuade me.  They had to show me Chick's false teeth, and the pacifier was sanitary, like new, hardly used.  Chick was always a fussy baby.  His dentures hurt.  Half the time I stayed with them we had to gag him. 2/14/2019

My dominatrix had to put a gag-ball on me to get me to stop laughing.  She was furious when I busted it.  I loved it.  She was more furious when I broke the cock cage.  She tried to lock me back up in chastity.  I came all over her.   I made her ovulate.  Humpty Dumpty fell down her thigh.  2/18/2019

Why did the masochist cross his legs?  Because his dominatrix told him to.  2/18'2018

Why did the dominatrix cross the road?    The Sister Parade  was coming. 2/18/2019

The third foster home was when I got my first job.  I was the target in foster Dad's knife-throw act.  Every time he threw the knife, I said, Haha!  You missed me!  I got sick of it.  All those near misses.  Next foster home, I got my own act.  The Boomerang Kid.  I threw the darts back my tongue.  That's why my wife was bleeding from the roof of her mouth. 2/15/2019

The foster parents said get an education.  I went to law school to study to become a lawyer.  In criminal law  the professor said, Who's got the corpus dilecto?  I reached down and pulled it out of my ass. 2/16/2019

I worked my way through college, selling proctodildos to proctodildophiles, asshole to asshole.  I cleaned up.  I felt like a windshield wiper groin back and forth without shame.  Cleaning up was the hardest part of the job.  It was good training, though.  My wife loves it.  2/16/2019.

At Church my teacher taught me The Parable of the Good Dominatrix and the Lost Dildo.  I knew I would never be lost again. 2/16/2019

As a masochist, I struggle with Love they neighbor as thyself.  We all have our flogs to bear.  2/13/2019

My son came hone after traveling Eastern lands.   He said, You're a bad father.  I said, Why don't you shout it to the World?  He climbed the minaret.  After he called the adhan, I cried, I'm a good kafir, though!  2/13/2019

My son's a smart kid.  He won a $50,000 grant to run away from his father. 2/18/2019

The kafir who told hadith jokes had his funny bone insured and tongue cut out.  He was the richest kid in madrassa.  Memorized the Qur'an.  Became a guard in the Sultan's harem because he never told.  Mohammad's brides call him Lickslittle. 2/17/2019

My wife can't stand pain.  She avoided childbirth.  I still don't know where my kids came from.  2/12/2019

After you tell a joke and make someone laugh, they always want another one.  People can't control their own laughs.  They're like livestock, always expecting the Good Comic to prod them with a stick.  I say, Whip 'em to the post.  I like laughing stock.  Don't get me wrong.  I like pillories too,  2/12/2019

I did one of those ancestry searches.  I found out Rodney Dangerfield is my father.  Franz Kafka is my mother.  I'm the son of two gay celebrities--a masochist and a cockroach. 2/12/2019

I had a rough time as a kid.  Every time I took a shit, my dominatrix nanny washed my colon out with soap.  2/11/2019

I applied to sixteen mental hospitals  Only got into four.   Boy, were my parents, The State of Michigan and In Loco Parentis, mad.  2/20/2019

My uncle visited my mother once in eight years in the mental hospital.  He gave her ten bucks.  He said she had to learn to manage her money.  2/21/2019

My mother said she got VD in the the mental hospital.   The psychiatrist said she got it from my uncle.  We were a very close  family in those days.  2/21/2019

When I was 12yo my uncle assaulted me for laughing at him.  Twisted my arm to show who's boss.  Oh, sorry boss.  I didn't see you there.  I thought you were dead.  This is my act.  You don't like it, laugh away.  Here, you can have Ma's ten bucks back.  I'd give you her VD too, but she's in heaven now.  Fully cured.  I'll  see if the Good Dominarix can squeeze you in.  She's good at twisting arms. 2/21/2019

People are complaining I shut down my website, Cyberbardink.com.  I didn't think anybody noticed me.  I told them it's shut down for construction and repairs until philolgists find out what cyberbardink means.  I don't know whar philology means either.

Today my dominatrix let the stoic out of the the bag.  Me. 2/27/2019At Cyberbardink of Nevada, you punch in your own name, and the GPS directs you to your funeral.  1/31/2019

The mortuary sent me an email.  They want to know if they can bury me in spam.  1/31/2019

I admit it.  I'm a horny old goat, whatchamacallit, a literati lecher.  Other writers, when they write a script for a film, they get a rejection.  Me, I write a treatment, I get an eleven-page erection. 2/12/2019

I'm so ugly that at the Mandalay Bay Massacre in Las Vegas, Stephen Craig Paddock missed me on purpose.  2/12/2019

I'm so ugly the sex trafficker tied me to a cactus on the border and nobody raped me. 2/18/2109

I'm so ugly, when somebody laughs at my jokes, I'm the victim of a hate-laugh. 2/20/2019

I went to the doctor.  I said, Doctor, when I ejaculate, my semen tries to crawl up another man's urethra.  He unzipped his pants.  He said show me. 2/18/2019

My wife's unhappy.  She says I have to get a job.  I said why don't you put an ad in the paper.  You know what I'm good for.  She got arrested for false advertising.   She said I'm a sex worker.  1/18/2019.

I could ask my wife, What is love? but it would only start a fight.  1/22/2019 

My wife said, Twenty-six years is enough.  It's time for me to bring home the bacon.  I went outside, took a walk, thought long long and hard about our marriage.  I came home.  I said, Emmaline, I'm a Muslim!  2/16/2019

My doctor said, For men habituated to internal stress since childhood, it is the absence of stress that causes anxiety, creating a feeling of ennui and meaninglessness. For people like that, the absence of stress should be avoided.  If they win a million dollars, they can drop dead.  I said, Doc, what are you trying to tell me?  He said, Jim, If you win a million dollars, you should give it to me.   2/16/2019

I come not to dull the pain of the world, but to sharpen the mind.  1/15/2019

For a masochist who wants to kill himself, life is a pleasure.

My wife wants to come to the US because she has only two years to have an anchor baby.

My wife, the feminist comedian, says she wants to get a job in Hollywood so she can have it all. a career, fame, and entitlements too.

My wife, the comedian, is not really my wife.  In fact, I don't know if she's married.  All I know is she treats me like a husband.  If I don't laugh at her jokes, she beats me till I cry.  Tears of Joy, she calls it.  She says I make her happier than any straight man she's known.

My wife never told me the truth why she married me.  I'm part of her act.  I stand on stage, while she says, Take my husband, please.

Before we got married, my wife always said she's from down under.  Now that we got married, she's always on top. 1/17/2019

If enough dead people vote in the next election, the government will provide free burial service.

My wife is so old she can't pull the butt plug out of her slave.  I have to do it! 1/9/2019

A korban a day keeps the genocide away.  1/11/2019

A government shutdown is a refreshing anarchy of pace. 

For a maiden who yearns to marry, a bridegroom is a gamble.

My wife insisted on a big marriage. She put a yoke around my neck for a wedding ring.

Time is running out on my wife's brothelogical clock.

My wife, the stand-up comic, says we have to get a divorce. My jokes are funnier than hers.

My wife's a comedian. She blames me she can't get pregnant. I told her the kid is waiting for the punchline.

My wife said she loves me. I told her that's the funniest joke she's told in years.

My wife and I have a pre-annulment agreement and a post-annulment marriage.

My wife and I fight all the time. The marriage counselor said we should try a pre-nuptial cuckold. We fought over who should give him a blow-job. 1/17/2019

Every time I turn on my urinal, I forget my pissword.  1/22/2019

To ejaculate money when you wank, an entrepreneur must make pussy with his pocket change.  1/22/2019 

I bought an automatic Qur'an today.  I don't even have to read it to be told what to do.  Don't have to ask.  Don't have to bow down.  Don't even have open it up.  I can keep a closed mind now.  Shari'a law and End all. Peace be unto you.  1/ 28/2019

 I'm so afraid of doing stand-up, I'm afraid I'll have an epileptic fit.  The doctor diagnosed me with epilepsy three years ago.  The first time I tried stand-up, I fell down.  The doctor told me I can't do stand-up anymore.  He said, I'm afraid it'll give you Parkinson's  I said, Isn't there anything you can do for it?  He gave me a wonder drug.  I got Parkinson's.  He sent me to a specialist.  Dr. P. Michael Murphy in the Clark County Morgue.  2/12/2019

Tragically my love with Irony is unrequited.  Irony never loves me back.  That's why my wife loves me.  She's jealous of Irony.  I suspect Irony and my wife are having an affair.  I tried to interest my wife in a three-way with Paradox.  Paradox is interested, but Irony won't play.  I made an appointment to meet Paradox in the Heterothetical Hotel, but she stood me up.  She said the problem with my novel, Fooz Gold, is that it doesn't have a Thesis.  Rumor on the Thalamus is Thesis is being human trafficked by Idiocy, but Stupidus disagrees.  Stupidus never agrees with anything that makes sense.  Or Anyone.  I came home unexpectedly, surprised my wife, and found found Stupidus in my cranium.  Paradoxically when I reached for him, Nothing was there.  I didn't give up.  Nothing's going to make me a cuckold.  Never give up.  Pathetically the Lesbian says when your brains fall out of the poke, just pick them up off the floor and poke them in the closet with the Dildo.  That's what she calls Stupidus.  She told me to open the closet.  Slowly with Trepidation I opened the door.  Priapas was huddling inside on his knees sucking Prepuce's rod like it was the Mueller investigation, milking his premise for all it's worth like Demogag the  Drag Queen.  The only suspect missing in this Swallow drama, ironically, was  Swallowcles. He was cleaning the Aegean Stables with Sophistry.   When practicing casuistry with Greeks always use a goat condom to forestall Tragedy.  1/29/2019

The first wife used lots of mouthwash in her qwik-choke jobs at Rent-a-Glam Swive-Thru.  1/29/2019 

Why do bees always think of flowers as sex objects? 1/29/2019  

I failed my first year in the mental hospital.  My relatives still hold out hope the state will find me crazy without possibility of sanity.  2/1/2019   

My greatest fear is living in reality.  My greatest quote is, He discovered Death just in time.  My ambition is to award The Lucas Prize to the Nobel Committee. My biggest weakness is I can't wear my first wife's abortion on my sleeve.  He's now 40yo.  My favorite superhero is Rodney Dangerfield, who died and went to heaven and came back as my current wife.  What motivates me in my personal life is my wife.  She scourges me, then laughs.  My biggest non-work achievement is I don't work.  I'm a writer. What motivates me in professional life.  The Paris Vespasienne.  The sewers in Paris are unbelievable!  My favorite hobby is spelunking in purgatory.  I told that one to my wife, and she said, What's that?  I told her it was a safe zone for whipping stock.  She said I should go there and bring back some money.  I did.  Virgil and Dante said, Come back later.  We haven't got to The True Wimp's reward.  Beatrice is a whore for masochists.  2/3/2019

My brother Dick is really sick.  Did I tell you about my brother Dick?  When he cross-dresses, he dresses in a Hillary pantsuit.  My brother Dick is so sick, even his wife calls him, Sick Dick.  But you think Dick is sick, you should hear about his half-brother, Suck Dick.  Dick's wife, Nancy, though, really loves Dick.  And his brother, Success.  She took both Dick and Success to the doctor to try to cure both of them.  Dr.  Stu Putts.  Short Myrtle, they call him.  I wouldn't say Nancy's foray was a failure in the anals of medicine, but I think Success is sucking both of them now.  which reminds me.  I guess I should tell you about coming events.

2/7/2019

I woke up this morning, realized I'm full of sh*t, with no one to blame.  It's a sad story.  Not even a proctologist will buy it.   Then I felt a prickling of hope.  I looked in back, and a unicorn was sodomizing me with his horn.  You never see an ad on TV: Sh*t Relief.  Assisted Sh*t Relief in seconds!  Works like a miracle!  Little Jimmy's Sh*t Relief.  Recommended by proctologists eveerywhere!  Take two Little Jimmy's and show up for the colonoscopy in the morning.  Recommnded for politicians but not by them.  2/8/2019

The Commonwealth of Virginia has reached a compromise on abortion.  Pro-Life mothers will be allowed to keep their babies if they lock them up in the uterus in barbed wire.  It's called Unborn at Any Cost.  2/12/2019

Fake Blacks.  Priscilla Ford

I got a friend on LinkedIn, Daniel Roland.  He keeps carping about fake Blacks.  I was a fake Black.  He never mentions me.  I feel left out.  How do I know I was Black?  In 1980 I was working in the Reno Public Defender's Office. Thanksgiving Day a black woman, Priscilla Ford, drove down Virginia Street, killed six, wounded twenty-three.  John Oakes, the on-call Deputy D.A. called it a "clusterfuck."   Everyone said she was crazy.  The psychiatrist examined her.  Turned out she was looking for her son.  She named me.  2/12/2019

I went to church tonight.  Book club.  For some reason the group started talking about cry zones.  One said I cry at love stories.  Another, I cry at weddings.  Another, I cry at sad movies.  One, I cry at Lucas Jokes.  I said I only cry at job interviews.  I said I cry at my dominatrix's. 2/13/2019

The Lucas Manifesto to Geofrey Crow 2/14/2019

You can lead a kulak to the soup line, but you can't pour him vodka.  We're out of it.   In socialism you only get your vodka after you drink your soup.  In communism, everyone gets drunker and drunker alike until his liver gives out.  The tsar's footmen dressed in livery.  The Russian peasant drinks until he's de-liver-ated.  Doctor, that's not my liver; that's my pancreas.  I know.  The Party has declared sugar mellitus an enemy of the prepuce.  You'll be neutered in the morning and on insulin the rest of your life.  Which won't be long now

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Lucas Jokes

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Detail your services

 

Lucas Jokes.  Making Absolutely No Sense Since 1948

Some jokes I can't tell on LinkedIn.  Meet me behind the alley at Roadapples and Brush Streets across from the Delvelishoush Funeral Home.  I'll let you peek at my hearing aid and you can listen in the dark, while I slide your debit card through the crack in my ass.  It's unethical to kill  a customer before you slide him through the wallet.  Do you know where your crack is?  2/13/2019

When I was a kid, the word gift was a noun.  I didn't get any.  Now it's a verb.  They run away from me.  My gifts run so fast the FedEx Man has a doppler effect.  2/27/2019

I called a GEICO agent and said, Do you insure funny people?   He said, Funny people?  I said, I just got punched in the elbow.  My funny bone laughed.   He didn't think it was funny.  He said, What's the joke?  I said, I don't know but  I can't tell it straight.  I had to put my arm in a sling.  My elbow wouldn't stop laughing.   The pain was unbearable.  Finally, I went to my dominatrix.   I said, Domme, I have a pain in my elbow.  It won't stop laughing.  She said I had to do stand-up.  Tell six jokes and die on stage.  Whassa matter?  My GEICO agent is in the audience.  She's the dominatrix!  2/16/2019

I called my agent.  She said, We just got back from a funeral.  I said, I know.  I'm the replacement!  2/16/2019

I had a 2 o'clock appointment with a talent agent yesterday.  She stood me up.  When I called her Thursday, she said she just got back from a funeral.  I guess her last client rose from the dead. cyberbardink.com  2/20/2019

I have to make up some jokes today, and then I have to memorize them, and then have to pray.  I stand on the cliff edge of Pushover. 2/19/2019

My agent said call back Tuesday.  I called.  The number had been disconnected. 2/20/2019

I got a robo-call from my agent, saying I have a lack of spam in my emails.  I told her she has a high dose of sperm in her entrails.  2/20/2019

Today's my anniversary.  I thought, out of respect for my marriage I would remember it.  A moment of silence, please.  2/19/2019

I caught a guy in my apartment complex, Entitlement Estates, stealing service from my cable box.  He showed me a warrant from the Honduran FISA court.  2/27/2019

My wife went to the heart doctor.  Doctor said to her, You're lucky you have one.  Many wives with husbands like yours, don't.  She said, So you know Jim.  He didn't tell me.  He just gave me a pawn ticket and said, Here.  Give this to the doctor.  He's got something you might need. 2/19/2019

My wife took me to her friends' chastity roast.  We ate clits and things. 3/3/2019

What this country needs is a good one-dollar president.  For two dollars you get a president and a vice-president.  Not a congressman though.  A congressman will cost you fifty million.  Not a good one though.  For that you have to pay an arm and a leg.  Of course, that's outrageous.  But that's the cost of government these days.  If you want pure socialism you have to pay both arms and both legs.  No taxation without amputation.  You said the secret word and the regime came down!  No, these are not Groucho jokes.  They're Deep State jokes.  In the Deep State the FISA Court is a conspiracy of kludges. A coup in time saves slime.  The punchline in a FISA joke is silent.  In an FBI wirecrap my ass is unmasked. In the Swamp you can keep your head.  If you're stupid enough to go for this government, we don't need it. 2/17/2019

My senescence has no conscience.  It ages no matter what time it is.  2/13/2019

My Wife's Anniversary I bought an orchid for my wife's anniversary.  Her anniversary came, I forgot it.  Force of habit.  My wife whipped me with her orchid.  I said, Emmaline, Why'd you do that?  She said, Force of habit.  I said, The orchid!  The nursery won't pay the guarantee.  She whipped all the petals off, screaming. You're not a husband!  You're a parasite!  Slowly I picked the petals up and glued them on the orchid stalk with my spit  I said, I'll make it up to you.  She said, Hugs with spit.  That's all you're good for!  Now hug the bull's post.  He's only got time to celebrate our anniversary until a quarter to three. 

2/11/2019

Show business is rough.  Stand-up is not easy.  My first booking was in a mental hospital I took it.  I needed the therapy.  2/15/2019

I told my grandmother I was going to do standup.  She's one hundred and one, doing time in Marquette State Prison.  She wished me luck.  She said, Go!  Meet thy heckler! 2/18/2019

I went to the Philippines and bought a cockatoo, one of the talking birds.  i call him Laglag.  Smart bird, Laglag tells jokes.  They're all in Filipino.  Everybody in my wife's family laughs when Laglag talks, except me.  So I taught Laglag to speak English. I said Laglag speak English.  He said my name is Lucban.   I figured my wife must be teaching him behind my back.  I said, Okay, I'll call you Laglag Lucban.  The bird said, Whoever heard of Stupid Grapefruit?  2/15/2019

My wife is teaching me to throw up on command.  It starts with breakfast.  3/3/2019

I didn't talk till I was twelve years old.  Mom took me to a dominatrix child predator.  She said, Mom, Jim was born to talk dirty.  2/11/2019

I wet to bed until I learned to masturbate. 2/23/2019

My wife woke up this morning.  Blamed me because she was bleeding from the roof of her mouth.  I told her vampires bite on the neck.  2/12/2019

My dominatrix has launched a complete investigation of my sex life based on my steel bustier. 2/12/2019

A man walks into a dungeon.   He comes out a girl.  A sissy walks into a dungeon.  She doesn't come at all.  2/28/2019

For those of you who are new to this culture, the Democrats will be susidizing you.  In diapers.  You little pricks.  2/18/2018

I fell in love with a new dominatrix.  The old one won't whip me any more.  2/14/2019

In Sado-Mosochism under socialism, free flogs for everybody!  Another entitlement Satan is lobbying for.  Just in time too.  I lost my dildo.  2/14/2019

My Chinese Dominatrix

 Miss Joyce at Zhengzhou Rongsheng Kiln Refractory Co., Ltd.., is very selective about whom she sells bricks to.  Why, before she took me on as a client, she wanted to know if I had stamina.  She made me huff and puff like the Big Bad Wolf.  I had to blow down sixteen pallets stacked with Zhengzhou Rongsheng Kiln Refractory Co. bricks.  It was a helluva a blow job, I tell you.  All rights reserved.  2/21/2019

FAGMI (Facebook, Apple, Google, Microsoft, Instagram) are working on a Smart Ass.  It knows when you're full of shit.  Turns jokes into wisecracks with a single fart.  They're planing a Fart Festival in the desert.  Burning Hemorrhoids.  My proctologist, Dr. Fistoluv, wants to take me.  He wants  his watch back.  2/18/2019

My ass is so smart my wife has me on Socratic wisecrack control.  2/19/2019

A kludge in the FBI saves the Deep State from a coup worse than Death.

Time is running out.  I woke up last night with a noose on my neck,  The Sandman put it there. 2/19/ 2019

The State tried to raise me right.  They said I had to go to church.  At first I was scared.  I walked in the doors.  There must have been a thousand kids seated in the sanctuary, all cringing and glued to their seats.  Teeth chattering with the fear of God.  It was like Las Vegas on the Great Lakes.  On stage the preacher was wailing the tar out of a little boy, an orphan just like me.  My social worker said, That's what will happen to you too, if you don't be be good.  I'll be good!  I'll be good! I screamed.  What's the name of this place?  I don't want to go to hell!  My social worker said, The Church of the Good Dominatrix.  That's how I got religion.  2/14/2019

At the Church of the Good Dominatrix they told me if I didn't give a good blow job the Bad Dominatrix would beat me. 2/18/2019 

 At the Church of the Good Dominatrix they have Sunday school for whippersnappers.  Snap your garters, and they whip you.  I tried to run away. I got runs in my stockings.  2/18/2019

The State said I had to work when I went to Church.  They gave me two jobs.  Flujob and Blowjob.  When I became an experienced hand, they gave me Handjob.  The Church of the Good Dominatrix is a full employment church.  Jobs for everybody.  The hardest part is the second coming.  When they passed around the collection plate, I had to spit in it to show I was on the job.  When  I grew older I found out CGD was a cult.  You know, for fetishists.  It wasn't until I took communion that I discovered CGD was a front for sex trafficking.  I soon learned it wasn't the front I had to worry about.  It was my rear end.  They used to read me The Story of Job.  It was pornography! 2/18/2019

I was walking downtown when I came upon a little  old homeless guy crouched on the corner holding a cardboard sign, "Anything Helps."  I said, Can I use your cane?  He gave it to me, and I whacked him across the back.   He fell down in a slump on the sidewalk.  I bent over to listen.  Then I recognized him.  Nojob! I said.  It's been a long time!  How ya been!?  He said, You saved me from a fate worse than death!  I bent lower, ready for Almost Anything.   He thanked me.  He said, A True Job is a beating.  I said, What's that?  He said a job on the FISA Court.  For those of you who don't know it, the punchline in a FISA joke is silence. 2/18/2019

I'm wracked with guilt.  All my life I've been wracked with guilt. When I was 12yo I turned my mother into the State of Michigan for being crazy.  Can you imagine such a thing?  A kid who will betray his own mother?  I mean it wasn't like she was smuggling heroin across the border from Canada.  She just had problems--mental problems.  I mean, I remember when she walked in my bedroom when I was 11yo, naked, jacking off.  I said, Mom, can't you put some clothes on?

The State put me in a foster home.  Two rich Liberals.  Wow, it was like Cinderella.  I was the cinder.  It was a total socio-economic translation to another level.  Now I could jack-off and my mother had clothes on.

When my first foster parents found out I wouldn't participate in a three-way, they kicked me out.  2/23/2019

My sister and Foster Mom fought all the time.  Foster Mom wouldn't teach her how to jack off.  I remember the last time I saw my sister fifty years ago.  We're not a close family.  She called the police.  Said the Bad Dominatrix stole the orange juice out of her refrigerator.  No, but my sister's happy, though, even if she is cuckoo.  She said, she and her partner had sex the night before and she had twenty-nine orgasms.  I asked if she loved her girlfriend.  She said she's better than her brother, Nojob.  Her partner works.  But they can't get married though.  The State of Michigan won't pay for her disability.  She doesn't qualify.  Too many Feeldoes.  2/18/2019

One night I heard Foster Mom in the master bedroom over mine weeping, endlessly weeping tears.  She was an English teacher, a stickler about grammar.  I said, Foster Mom, the bate is not a suffix.  It will come back.  And I masturbated in front of her. 2/14/2019

My fifth foster mother, Appalachia, called me "nigger."  I didn't even wear blackface. I had to wear a black dress, though.  That's when I had to wash the windows.  I didn't want to, mind you, but  she maid me, made me get down on my hands and knees with Chick Pappy, her husband.  Girls, she said, we're going to retake the North!   If I didn't obey, she and Chick Pappy laid into me with with the birch.  One time they forced a baby's pacifier into my mouth, strapped it on until I agreed to spray Windex on the picture window and wipe it clean with Chick Pappy's diaper.  I protested, but then they showed me it was the same pacifier I gave Chick the year before on Chick Pappy's birthday.  Still, it was hard to persuade me.  They had to show me Chick's false teeth, and the pacifier was sanitary, like new, hardly used.  Chick was always a fussy baby.  His dentures hurt.  Half the time I stayed with them we had to gag him. 2/14/2019

My dominatrix had to put a gag-ball on me to get me to stop laughing.  She was furious when I busted it.  I loved it.  She was more furious when I broke the cock cage.  She tried to lock me back up in chastity.  I came all over her.   I made her ovulate.  Humpty Dumpty fell down her thigh.  2/18/2019

Why did the masochist cross his legs?  Because his dominatrix told him to.  2/18'2018

Why did the dominatrix cross the road?    The Sister Parade  was coming. 2/18/2019

The third foster home was when I got my first job.  I was the target in foster Dad's knife-throw act.  Every time he threw the knife, I said, Haha!  You missed me!  I got sick of it.  All those near misses.  Next foster home, I got my own act.  The Boomerang Kid.  I threw the darts back my tongue.  That's why my wife was bleeding from the roof of her mouth. 2/15/2019

The foster parents said get an education.  I went to law school to study to become a lawyer.  In criminal law  the professor said, Who's got the corpus dilecto?  I reached down and pulled it out of my ass. 2/16/2019

I worked my way through college, selling proctodildos to proctodildophiles, asshole to asshole.  I cleaned up.  I felt like a windshield wiper groin back and forth without shame.  Cleaning up was the hardest part of the job.  It was good training, though.  My wife loves it.  2/16/2019.

At Church my teacher taught me The Parable of the Good Dominatrix and the Lost Dildo.  I knew I would never be lost again. 2/16/2019

As a masochist, I struggle with Love they neighbor as thyself.  We all have our flogs to bear.  2/13/2019

My son came hone after traveling Eastern lands.   He said, You're a bad father.  I said, Why don't you shout it to the World?  He climbed the minaret.  After he called the adhan, I cried, I'm a good kafir, though!  2/13/2019

My son's a smart kid.  He won a $50,000 grant to run away from his father. 2/18/2019

The kafir who told hadith jokes had his funny bone insured and tongue cut out.  He was the richest kid in madrassa.  Memorized the Qur'an.  Became a guard in the Sultan's harem because he never told.  Mohammad's brides call him Lickslittle. 2/17/2019

My wife can't stand pain.  She avoided childbirth.  I still don't know where my kids came from.  2/12/2019

After you tell a joke and make someone laugh, they always want another one.  People can't control their own laughs.  They're like livestock, always expecting the Good Comic to prod them with a stick.  I say, Whip 'em to the post.  I like laughing stock.  Don't get me wrong.  I like pillories too,  2/12/2019

I did one of those ancestry searches.  I found out Rodney Dangerfield is my father.  Franz Kafka is my mother.  I'm the son of two gay celebrities--a masochist and a cockroach. 2/12/2019

I had a rough time as a kid.  Every time I took a shit, my dominatrix nanny washed my colon out with soap.  2/11/2019

I applied to sixteen mental hospitals  Only got into four.   Boy, were my parents, The State of Michigan and In Loco Parentis, mad.  2/20/2019

My uncle visited my mother once in eight years in the mental hospital.  He gave her ten bucks.  He said she had to learn to manage her money.  2/21/2019

My mother said she got VD in the the mental hospital.   The psychiatrist said she got it from my uncle.  We were a very close  family in those days.  2/21/2019

When I was 12yo my uncle assaulted me for laughing at him.  Twisted my arm to show who's boss.  Oh, sorry boss.  I didn't see you there.  I thought you were dead.  This is my act.  You don't like it, laugh away.  Here, you can have Ma's ten bucks back.  I'd give you her VD too, but she's in heaven now.  Fully cured.  I'll  see if the Good Dominarix can squeeze you in.  She's good at twisting arms. 2/21/2019

People are complaining I shut down my website, Cyberbardink.com.  I didn't think anybody noticed me.  I told them it's shut down for construction and repairs until philolgists find out what cyberbardink means.  I don't know whar philology means either.

Today my dominatrix let the stoic out of the the bag.  Me. 2/27/2019At Cyberbardink of Nevada, you punch in your own name, and the GPS directs you to your funeral.  1/31/2019

The mortuary sent me an email.  They want to know if they can bury me in spam.  1/31/2019

I admit it.  I'm a horny old goat, whatchamacallit, a literati lecher.  Other writers, when they write a script for a film, they get a rejection.  Me, I write a treatment, I get an eleven-page erection. 2/12/2019

I'm so ugly that at the Mandalay Bay Massacre in Las Vegas, Stephen Craig Paddock missed me on purpose.  2/12/2019

I'm so ugly the sex trafficker tied me to a cactus on the border and nobody raped me. 2/18/2109

I'm so ugly, when somebody laughs at my jokes, I'm the victim of a hate-laugh. 2/20/2019

I went to the doctor.  I said, Doctor, when I ejaculate, my semen tries to crawl up another man's urethra.  He unzipped his pants.  He said show me. 2/18/2019

My wife's unhappy.  She says I have to get a job.  I said why don't you put an ad in the paper.  You know what I'm good for.  She got arrested for false advertising.   She said I'm a sex worker.  1/18/2019.

I could ask my wife, What is love? but it would only start a fight.  1/22/2019 

My wife said, Twenty-six years is enough.  It's time for me to bring home the bacon.  I went outside, took a walk, thought long long and hard about our marriage.  I came home.  I said, Emmaline, I'm a Muslim!  2/16/2019

My doctor said, For men habituated to internal stress since childhood, it is the absence of stress that causes anxiety, creating a feeling of ennui and meaninglessness. For people like that, the absence of stress should be avoided.  If they win a million dollars, they can drop dead.  I said, Doc, what are you trying to tell me?  He said, Jim, If you win a million dollars, you should give it to me.   2/16/2019

I come not to dull the pain of the world, but to sharpen the mind.  1/15/2019

For a masochist who wants to kill himself, life is a pleasure.

My wife wants to come to the US because she has only two years to have an anchor baby.

My wife, the feminist comedian, says she wants to get a job in Hollywood so she can have it all. a career, fame, and entitlements too.

My wife, the comedian, is not really my wife.  In fact, I don't know if she's married.  All I know is she treats me like a husband.  If I don't laugh at her jokes, she beats me till I cry.  Tears of Joy, she calls it.  She says I make her happier than any straight man she's known.

My wife never told me the truth why she married me.  I'm part of her act.  I stand on stage, while she says, Take my husband, please.

Before we got married, my wife always said she's from down under.  Now that we got married, she's always on top. 1/17/2019

If enough dead people vote in the next election, the government will provide free burial service.

My wife is so old she can't pull the butt plug out of her slave.  I have to do it! 1/9/2019

A korban a day keeps the genocide away.  1/11/2019

A government shutdown is a refreshing anarchy of pace. 

For a maiden who yearns to marry, a bridegroom is a gamble.

My wife insisted on a big marriage. She put a yoke around my neck for a wedding ring.

Time is running out on my wife's brothelogical clock.

My wife, the stand-up comic, says we have to get a divorce. My jokes are funnier than hers.

My wife's a comedian. She blames me she can't get pregnant. I told her the kid is waiting for the punchline.

My wife said she loves me. I told her that's the funniest joke she's told in years.

My wife and I have a pre-annulment agreement and a post-annulment marriage.

My wife and I fight all the time. The marriage counselor said we should try a pre-nuptial cuckold. We fought over who should give him a blow-job. 1/17/2019

Every time I turn on my urinal, I forget my pissword.  1/22/2019

To ejaculate money when you wank, an entrepreneur must make pussy with his pocket change.  1/22/2019 

I bought an automatic Qur'an today.  I don't even have to read it to be told what to do.  Don't have to ask.  Don't have to bow down.  Don't even have open it up.  I can keep a closed mind now.  Shari'a law and End all. Peace be unto you.  1/ 28/2019

 I'm so afraid of doing stand-up, I'm afraid I'll have an epileptic fit.  The doctor diagnosed me with epilepsy three years ago.  The first time I tried stand-up, I fell down.  The doctor told me I can't do stand-up anymore.  He said, I'm afraid it'll give you Parkinson's  I said, Isn't there anything you can do for it?  He gave me a wonder drug.  I got Parkinson's.  He sent me to a specialist.  Dr. P. Michael Murphy in the Clark County Morgue.  2/12/2019

Tragically my love with Irony is unrequited.  Irony never loves me back.  That's why my wife loves me.  She's jealous of Irony.  I suspect Irony and my wife are having an affair.  I tried to interest my wife in a three-way with Paradox.  Paradox is interested, but Irony won't play.  I made an appointment to meet Paradox in the Heterothetical Hotel, but she stood me up.  She said the problem with my novel, Fooz Gold, is that it doesn't have a Thesis.  Rumor on the Thalamus is Thesis is being human trafficked by Idiocy, but Stupidus disagrees.  Stupidus never agrees with anything that makes sense.  Or Anyone.  I came home unexpectedly, surprised my wife, and found found Stupidus in my cranium.  Paradoxically when I reached for him, Nothing was there.  I didn't give up.  Nothing's going to make me a cuckold.  Never give up.  Pathetically the Lesbian says when your brains fall out of the poke, just pick them up off the floor and poke them in the closet with the Dildo.  That's what she calls Stupidus.  She told me to open the closet.  Slowly with Trepidation I opened the door.  Priapas was huddling inside on his knees sucking Prepuce's rod like it was the Mueller investigation, milking his premise for all it's worth like Demogag the  Drag Queen.  The only suspect missing in this Swallow drama, ironically, was  Swallowcles. He was cleaning the Aegean Stables with Sophistry.   When practicing casuistry with Greeks always use a goat condom to forestall Tragedy.  1/29/2019

The first wife used lots of mouthwash in her qwik-choke jobs at Rent-a-Glam Swive-Thru.  1/29/2019 

Why do bees always think of flowers as sex objects? 1/29/2019  

I failed my first year in the mental hospital.  My relatives still hold out hope the state will find me crazy without possibility of sanity.  2/1/2019   

My greatest fear is living in reality.  My greatest quote is, He discovered Death just in time.  My ambition is to award The Lucas Prize to the Nobel Committee. My biggest weakness is I can't wear my first wife's abortion on my sleeve.  He's now 40yo.  My favorite superhero is Rodney Dangerfield, who died and went to heaven and came back as my current wife.  What motivates me in my personal life is my wife.  She scourges me, then laughs.  My biggest non-work achievement is I don't work.  I'm a writer. What motivates me in professional life.  The Paris Vespasienne.  The sewers in Paris are unbelievable!  My favorite hobby is spelunking in purgatory.  I told that one to my wife, and she said, What's that?  I told her it was a safe zone for whipping stock.  She said I should go there and bring back some money.  I did.  Virgil and Dante said, Come back later.  We haven't got to The True Wimp's reward.  Beatrice is a whore for masochists.  2/3/2019

My brother Dick is really sick.  Did I tell you about my brother Dick?  When he cross-dresses, he dresses in a Hillary pantsuit.  My brother Dick is so sick, even his wife calls him, Sick Dick.  But you think Dick is sick, you should hear about his half-brother, Suck Dick.  Dick's wife, Nancy, though, really loves Dick.  And his brother, Success.  She took both Dick and Success to the doctor to try to cure both of them.  Dr.  Stu Putts.  Short Myrtle, they call him.  I wouldn't say Nancy's foray was a failure in the anals of medicine, but I think Success is sucking both of them now.  which reminds me.  I guess I should tell you about coming events.

2/7/2019

I woke up this morning, realized I'm full of sh*t, with no one to blame.  It's a sad story.  Not even a proctologist will buy it.   Then I felt a prickling of hope.  I looked in back, and a unicorn was sodomizing me with his horn.  You never see an ad on TV: Sh*t Relief.  Assisted Sh*t Relief in seconds!  Works like a miracle!  Little Jimmy's Sh*t Relief.  Recommended by proctologists eveerywhere!  Take two Little Jimmy's and show up for the colonoscopy in the morning.  Recommnded for politicians but not by them.  2/8/2019

The Commonwealth of Virginia has reached a compromise on abortion.  Pro-Life mothers will be allowed to keep their babies if they lock them up in the uterus in barbed wire.  It's called Unborn at Any Cost.  2/12/2019

Fake Blacks.  Priscilla Ford

I got a friend on LinkedIn, Daniel Roland.  He keeps carping about fake Blacks.  I was a fake Black.  He never mentions me.  I feel left out.  How do I know I was Black?  In 1980 I was working in the Reno Public Defender's Office. Thanksgiving Day a black woman, Priscilla Ford, drove down Virginia Street, killed six, wounded twenty-three.  John Oakes, the on-call Deputy D.A. called it a "clusterfuck."   Everyone said she was crazy.  The psychiatrist examined her.  Turned out she was looking for her son.  She named me.  2/12/2019

I went to church tonight.  Book club.  For some reason the group started talking about cry zones.  One said I cry at love stories.  Another, I cry at weddings.  Another, I cry at sad movies.  One, I cry at Lucas Jokes.  I said I only cry at job interviews.  I said I cry at my dominatrix's. 2/13/2019

The Lucas Manifesto to Geofrey Crow 2/14/2019

You can lead a kulak to the soup line, but you can't pour him vodka.  We're out of it.   In socialism you only get your vodka after you drink your soup.  In communism, everyone gets drunker and drunker alike until his liver gives out.  The tsar's footmen dressed in livery.  The Russian peasant drinks until he's de-liver-ated.  Doctor, that's not my liver; that's my pancreas.  I know.  The Party has declared sugar mellitus an enemy of the prepuce.  You'll be neutered in the morning and on insulin the rest of your life.  Which won't be long now


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Running a holiday sale or weekly special? Definitely promote it here to get customers excited about getting a sweet deal.

Share the big news

Have you opened a new location, redesigned your shop, or added a new product or service? Don't keep it to yourself, let folks know.

Display their FAQs

Customers have questions, you have answers. Display the most frequently asked questions, so everybody benefits.